I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
