if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
