Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
