The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
