I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
