That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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