I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
