I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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