I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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