First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
