Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
