the new term for farting is butt boxing.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Randomize
