my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
