Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
