new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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