She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
