if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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