it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
