In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My penis needs a shock collar
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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