I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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