Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
