I think I died a long time ago.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
