she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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