His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
