chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
