i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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