Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
