I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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