I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
