Got a toothbrush?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
