you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
