Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
