dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
