what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
