Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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