Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
