I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
