Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
