I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
