just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
