I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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