I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
