i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
