Don't make out with my wife yet
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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