I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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