Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize