on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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