none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
