just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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