I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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