I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
