I love black thongs
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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