Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
