White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
