My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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