My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Randomize
