Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
