i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize