I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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