You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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