sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I want to be your penis for a week.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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