I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
