I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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