you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
