He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
