my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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