she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
