I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Randomize
