when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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