I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
we should paint friendship bongs
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