Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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